- you try to think which sick days were genuine and which were excuses. all of them were genuine. you still feel uncertain. were they all really genuine?
- you haven’t flared up today. maybe you’re cured. you flare up. health isn’t real.
- you can’t remember which thing triggered it. you can’t remember if there was a trigger. you can’t remember if there ever was a time before a trigger. you can’t remember what it feels like to not feel what you’re feeling right now.
- you try to distract yourself from the pain. this causes more pain. you try to distract yourself from the pain. this causes more pain. you tr
- did you stop crying because of physical repression or emotional repression? is there a difference? you stopped crying a long time ago because it only made it worse. does this mean you have a high pain tolerance?
- you can’t remember a before. was there a before? there probably wasn’t. the doctors don’t tell you.
- you go to a doctor. they say they don’t have anything for it. you go to another doctor. they say they don’t have anything for it. you go to another doctor.
- you spend days trying to ascertain whether awkward moments are worth the relief an aid gives you. one day you say no. one day you say yes. you never decide. you stay so uncertain the days that you finally do say yes will always remain awkward.
- is that a new symptom or did you just stop noticing it? how many of your symptoms are new and how many have always been there? are any of them actually there? you begin to notice so many that you doubt any of them are real.
- “you don’t look sick,” someone tells you. you turn to them and ask, “what did you expect?” in your head you see yourself slowly decaying away, loosing so much color that you turn invisible. is that what they see too? is that what you need to project onto others’ visual cortexes? they look at you and you wonder if they can read your mind. they don’t say anything.
Disabled people who can walk short distances should not have to fear parking in a disabled space and walking into a store.
Disabled people in wheelchairs should not have to fear moving their legs or briefly standing up.
Disabled people should not have to fear using a cane on their bad days.
Disabled people shouldn’t have to feel weary about having too much fun and being seen enjoying themselves.
Disabled people shouldn’t have to live in fear of getting attacked, getting called a fake and even getting reported for benefit fraud just because they don’t fit the ableist profile of what you think a disabled person looks like and acts like.
Disabled people deserve to be able to safely leave the house and live our lives without fear and judgment.
